Leif's Leaving

Leif loved wolves. The days before he died he watched the movie Wolverine over and over. His wolf stuffed animal was cremated with his body.

Witnessed cremation. Fernwood mortuary, mill valley. They slid the box containing his body into the oven. The door closed and Mary pressed the button. Eric had made a wooden viking ship that was put into the box. Then his body was laid into it. We filled the boat with herbs and flowers from his home. The parents collapsed on the floor.

last night. I want to write every moment down of the last moments of his life. but I am so tired. we got to the hospital around 5. He seemed well. Mary and I were excited about some research we were doing. Eric left. the transition was smooth. no fights. Mary talked to the nurses and I stayed by Leif counting the seconds of each minute until she returned I had tried to distract him by showing him photos of his lego guns but he said "do I have to pay attention?" and I said "no" and he barely nodded relief, closing his eyes. I kept counting rhythmically. She got into bed to snuggle with him. His fever came back. Drugs, anxiety, shallow breathing. sleep. When he woke up he seemed more alert, the fever down, but he needed a diaper change. I said that when he came home I wanted to be able to help his mama with his changes and asked if I could stay and help. Usually he is quite adamant about everyone leaving the room except a parent and nurses but this time he said

what tomorrow looks like. the funeral vehicle will arrive at the hospital at 10 am. there will be paperwork to be done. When that is ready the hospital will wrap Leif in a sheet and wheel him and Mary down to the vehicle. He will be then wrapped in another sheet (not a plastic body bag) for transport to Fernwood Cemetery in Mill Valley. Once there Mary should be able to stay with Leif. Paperwork will need to be done. At that time they will be given the option to cremate or bury. My understanding is that cremation takes a few days due to paperwork but burial can be immediate. Please let me know if that is not the case. Mary and Leif will stay in an airbnb in the area. within 4 days cremation will take place. Mary and Eric will be present and able to watch.  During the 4 days we hope they will be able to consider what they want to do. I think mary will want her friends to visit her at Fernwood daily and Eric will have the opportunity to hike and be alone in nature. Volunteers Need

Probiotics were mentioned today by the ID. The diarrhea is out of control. It is not getting better. Leif allowed me to help in the diaper changing. It is basically thick blood.   Probiotic questions: 1) As a last ditch attempt to help his gut is it possible to take Leif off all antibiotics and aggressively try probiotics to try and stop the Diarrhea?   2) Is it possible to add probiotics without stopping the antibiotics? Sepsis Questions: 1) What is the possibility of sepsis now? 2) What would be the possibility of sepsis without antibiotics but with probiotics? 3) What is the chance of sepsis with antibiotics and probiotics? Is there an expert on this anywhere that could be consulted?  

This is a worst case scenerio- I wrote this in a panic and I think it is perhaps almost wishful thinking on my part because it means Leif has a chance at life. I wrote it and now, only a few hours later,everything has changed. there is a calm. with the question of DNR I am becoming deeply concerned about Mary's mental health. Eric is adamantly opposed to DNR at this time. this is from Eric's emotional support person D: From what I can tell Mary wants to end Leif’s suffering and her own and she wants a plan to do it. The open-ended nature of the current situation is intolerable (in the most literal sense of the word) to her. Mary is the one disseminating information so is her information actually spun to such a degree no one actually has facts within her support network to see Eric's side? this is a really terrifying idea. She is constantly constructing and reinforcing the argument that  the situation is beyond hopeless and Eric is just not willing to see it. C