the Lego arsinal

What Leif wants

What leif has

Lego guns are tiny parts. Not the tiniest, but pretty damn small. I have spent the better part of two days sorting through Leif's Lego collection in search of all weapons but especially guns.

 Some of the other weapons include spears, swords and battle axes, but then I couldn't help but think of things that could be weapons like shovels and pitchforks and how about a broom? there are throwing stars but how about propellers? Skill saws seem a definite yes. Horns? A scorpion? What if the flowers were just a different kind of throwing star? And eyeballs could be bullets that see where they are going. A banana? a fantastically subtle weapon. But then Leif wanted "real" weapons not my made up nonsense. So i thin sliced the selection into little baggies, one with only real actual bona fide guns, one with legitimate Lego brand weapons, and then a third with what I called weaponizable parts.

I found Mary on the floor crying, frantically rummaging through Legos yesterday looking. She was talking about how she was the bad one and just needed to die so that everyone could live a better existence. I froze. I knew anything I said to her would just be fuel. I got on the hangout app and asked someone to call her asap. I left her their talking on the phone with one of the support network and just left. I went and got a mani/pedicure something I never do. I sat in a chair with all these other ladies and opened a magazine. I felt a little guilty but also thought Mary is a pro at driving away her support and in order to survive her I have to be able to walk away from her, even now, even under this horrific situation- or especially now.

Somewhat typical of my luck I opened a fashion magazine, probably the first I have looked at in years to find a poem entitled: Aging when the end of the world is rapidly approaching.
And I could not resist taking the photo above.
Today is my mother's birthday. She committed suicide. I went to the hospital today and talked to Mary about why I left and how I think it was the right thing to do because now we both know that I will leave if it's too much for me.  I told her this winter I brought a friend to be 5150'd. I left him after spending many hours in the middle of the night at county in the special waiting room just for people like him. I finally left assured he would be in for three days but by morning he was out frantic and as unreasonable as ever. Out of his fucking mind. I had talked to his sweet Irish mother saying I thought he needed to leave LA, that it was not a good city for him that the kind of health care he needed  was too hard for him to access. For the next few days i tried to help him get on some medication but he was suspicious, vacillating between willingness and stubborn refusal based on internet "research."  Beyond frustrated I gave up, hoping his ex girlfriend would take up the cause now that she was back in his life. A few months later I heard that he had killed himself. it wasn't a surprise but it made me question the level of help I had given. It had not been enough. Would anything had been enough? I don't know. 2 of my sisters have been hospitalized after threatening to kill themselves.
Mary's suicidal thoughts she attributes to Freud's death instinct. I actually don't really remember much of this concept. I should find some refutations of it