I had been thinking i needed to leave. Mary had gotten snappy at me and I felt so ragged. Help has dropped off so I need to rally some people for when I leave. Everything triggers both of them. its just so sad here. tonight we ate thai food and I got them to watch an episode of brain dead- not terribly successful. then eric went to bed and mary and i binge watched fleabag. Corbin the neighborhood cat came in and lay down on the couch between him. Mary is allergic but pet him anyway. I can here her weeping in her bedroom. eric is with her now.
I have to remember I am holding on by a thread. Today I posted a picture on facebook of eric and mary lying on the floor by the crematorium oven while leif burned. I hadn't posted in a while. this is what I wrote:
This is such a hard picture to post: My friends Mary and Eric lying on the floor after pushing an open box containing their son Leif into the crematorium oven. Eric had made a small wooden viking ship for Leif's body which we filled with flowers and herbs from their home. A stuffed animal wolf (his spirit animal) lay by his head and an armed Lego warrior by his side.
This picture is, to me, an expression of the strength of parents in mourning. To be subject to this much pain must be the greatest test of strength.
I have witnessed so much grief this month. I am deeply grateful for the people I have met here who have come forward to help my friends and who will be there for them when I go home to my cats and my house and my garden and everything and everybody I love in my world, a world in which the ephemeral appears so solid.
But then I read a random post in a neighborhood group i belong to about service animals in stores- there were some very snarky superior posts and I went batshit crazy calling them all a bunch of fucking fuckers. I think I was interrupted in the middle of that post so I am hoping I didn't press send.
Today I worked some more on organizing herbs for their garden. I walked around picking up tiny pieces of glass from their backyard. I sat with mary and talked with her about places she might like to go in the world- Tanzania? Zambia? Peru? Slovenia? the Dalmation coast?
I had thought a trip out might be good. At first everything was triggering her. We wandered aimlessly around Nordstrom Rack for hours. I think it was good to be out of the house. but then we went over to telegraph to get dinner and everything there was a trigger- the place she and leif went for pizza, the little gourmet ice cream place with the weird flavors Leif liked. A building now completed that was under construction when she was with him- how they would watch its progress everytime they were there.
I have to remember I am holding on by a thread. Today I posted a picture on facebook of eric and mary lying on the floor by the crematorium oven while leif burned. I hadn't posted in a while. this is what I wrote:
This is such a hard picture to post: My friends Mary and Eric lying on the floor after pushing an open box containing their son Leif into the crematorium oven. Eric had made a small wooden viking ship for Leif's body which we filled with flowers and herbs from their home. A stuffed animal wolf (his spirit animal) lay by his head and an armed Lego warrior by his side.
This picture is, to me, an expression of the strength of parents in mourning. To be subject to this much pain must be the greatest test of strength.
I have witnessed so much grief this month. I am deeply grateful for the people I have met here who have come forward to help my friends and who will be there for them when I go home to my cats and my house and my garden and everything and everybody I love in my world, a world in which the ephemeral appears so solid.
But then I read a random post in a neighborhood group i belong to about service animals in stores- there were some very snarky superior posts and I went batshit crazy calling them all a bunch of fucking fuckers. I think I was interrupted in the middle of that post so I am hoping I didn't press send.
Today I worked some more on organizing herbs for their garden. I walked around picking up tiny pieces of glass from their backyard. I sat with mary and talked with her about places she might like to go in the world- Tanzania? Zambia? Peru? Slovenia? the Dalmation coast?
I had thought a trip out might be good. At first everything was triggering her. We wandered aimlessly around Nordstrom Rack for hours. I think it was good to be out of the house. but then we went over to telegraph to get dinner and everything there was a trigger- the place she and leif went for pizza, the little gourmet ice cream place with the weird flavors Leif liked. A building now completed that was under construction when she was with him- how they would watch its progress everytime they were there.
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