sturm und drang

a rare calm moment

 "Both my friends have their self destructive ways to escape what is happening. Eric drinks. Mary despises Eric for his drinking. I see my friend Mary as a tormented genius with insanely low self esteem which she won't acknowledge, instead attributing her thoughts to Freud's Death Instinct (!?!) She has no idea of emotional boundaries and then is filled with self loathing for falling to pieces. Sometimes I think it's Who's afraid of Virginia Wolf in pediatric cancer ward."

I wrote this a few days ago when emotions were running so high. There seems to be some peace in the last few days- not from grief but from anger. Mary wants a map of every possible thing that could happen and what the response will be and this just isn't going to happen. H came over yesterday to the house and spent some time first with me and then with Mary. She was so helpful. She nursed her husband back from cancer only to lose him in an accident... Lose him. What a weird way to talk about death. Then she helped C care for her dying child. She has a clear idea realistically of what the net few weeks or months will look like, how Leif's body will deteriorate, how there will be no clear roadmaps and that everything will be in the immediate.  She sees Mary's fight for clear answers as desperately clinging to something tangible in the midst of the unknown but that this desire is keeping her away from being with her child the way she wants to be with him. She wants to blame Eric for necessitating her taking on this role- the one who does all the mapping and planning. Eric just sees it as futile. Mary is angry at Eric for going home and  drinking beer and working in his studio but Eric is working on a painting of Mary in her torment in his studio. Eric has shut down. He can't help Mary keep track of everything. The only thing he can do is be with Leif and then go home, drink and go to his studio. Mary is not going to suddenly stop being who she is, stop madly trying to do everything and resenting Eric for getting to just hang out with Leif. She is not going to stop weeping uncontrollably at times in the hospital room. But Leif knows that the reason Mary gets so angry and upset is that she is fighting for his life. I think the only thing to do is to reinforce this idea, that when Mary curls up on the hospital floor in tears its because she has been in a terrible battle but that she will be up fighting for him again. I know that he already understands this so that why I say reinforce. Long talk with Mary and S tonight about this idea as well as about the brain chemistry of Eric and Mary.