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The price of life: $68,429.40

The current chemo being tried is Elzonris. Leif needs a 5 day round. That totals $342,147.00
It has a %1-5 chance of working. It has never been used for Leifs particular form of leukemia the the % chances are, I think, a guess. The doctors wont officially know if it works for weeks. They will then do a bone asparation to see the marrow count. His last marrow count had the leukemia at 23% Blood blasts, as they are called, will be seen every day or so. Right now those numbers are hovering around 12%
Yesterday Mary had one of her breakdowns. I got in touch with our group and asked someone to call her because she was suicidal and I thought someone better than me should talk her down. Evidently today she also fell apart. She has a fantasy of the partner she wants to be with who would be helping her through this and Eric is not meeting her standards at all. Her focused rage at him is a way of blaming him for her inability to be present with her son. The argument goes: if Eric did everything I asked him to do I would be the one snuggling with Leif but instead I can't because he isn't showing up. By showing up mary means following Mary's ideas on what needs to be done and doing them. What doesn't seem apparent is that her blaming Eric is her way of not having to be present for Leif. This is a tough one. Its so typical in a sense- the desire to feel anger and betrayal, indignation instead of pain, suffering and loss. But when I try to talk to her about this she launches into her suicidal thoughts; which is just extreme low self esteem. She suddenly takes the tack that she is the bad one and everyone would be better off without her so she might as well kill herself.
Meanwhile, at Mary's behest a group of us figured out how Eric planned to do when Leif dies. He said he would go to the woods, that Mary and he couldn't be together and that he wanted to be alone in the woods for a while. today Mary asked him and that's what he answered. Mary knows this about eric, even I guessed this would be his desire. But when Mary heard it for him she totally broke down-- even though her plans are to immediately leave Oakland and certainly not with Eric. Eric saying this however was further proof that mary is alone, that eric is not the man she needs. The thing is, mary would never be with that type of man. Her vision is totally unreasonable. She says she wants a man who takes care of her so she doesn't have to do anything, who is her emotional rock. The only place I think this is ever possible is during the 3 songs of a tango, when the lead, usually the man, guides a woman, the follower, through a crowded dance floor, always protecting her from the other couples on the floor, moving her so she experieces the pure flow of following. The idea this is even remotely possible in a relationship that a weird quirky individual like mary would ever embrace is just not possible. It is a fantasy that is destroying her.

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